There are no Sunday scaries here, knowing that my child goes back to camp tomorrow and it’s time to watch Southern Charm New Orleans. I don’t want to give any of our reality TV personalities a false sense of confidence by suggesting that their show actually completes my Sunday nights. That’s not the case, whatsoever. However, this is one of my favorite and most fun writing gigs of the week, because, well, they just make writing this so easy with all the material they provide each episode. So, without further ado, let’s get into this week’s recap.
We start the show at Fuel Fitness, where Barry is training his only client – his daughter. Is this what things have come to, Barry? There is a legitimate service that will on demand a crowd of extras to make it look like there are other people training at your gym during filming. Jon can also give you the phone number of the extras he used at last season’s guys’ night/painting party. Anyway, Barry’s 12-year-old daughter is fit AF and a beast on the treadmill. I am currently wondering if I can hire her to be my trainer.
Meanwhile, Reagan is seeing her tarot card reader again, as one does. Actually, as no one does, because this isn’t a thing that we do. At all. Reagan asks about her boyfriend, and Mama Ode tells her that he’s not the one that she’s going to spend the rest of her life with. Fortunately, this is only her second marriage. Later, we see Tamica and her daughter shopping at Angelique, which is actually Uptown and not Mid-City as the show suggests. I guess the entire Uptown neighborhood doesn’t even want to be part of this show either. Understandable.
Back in Lakeview, there’s another butt shot of Reagan’s not football player baby daddy, and I just want to know why the show keeps doing this? You have an ex-football player, a gym owner, and an artist-athlete (whatever that means), whose muscles look like that of a hulk costume, and you choose the guy who sits at the race track at 4 am for the naked butt shot?!?
Anyway, Reagan refers to her living situation with her boyfriend and sister as Three’s Company. Upon my Google investigation about Three’s Company, I learned that the male roomie in the show had to fake being gay so that the landlord would allow co-habitation between him and two other women. There’s some irony in the comparison she made, just take my word for it.
Reagan loves her new home, mostly because it’s “in the city.” I have a geographical obligation to tell viewers here that her house isn’t actually in the “city,” as she claims. Sure, she can actually write New Orleans in her mailing address if that’s what she means by being “in the city,” but there is still an interstate between her and the actual city. That’s a huge step closer than the body of water that previously separated her, though, so I suppose we’ll accept it. There’s also some really great editing done here, when they show clips of Reagan’s old Cheese Cake Factory house in Covington (now Jef-free’s bachelor pad, as evidenced by some footage of a dirty fork on the ground – although the ping pong table covering the ugly dining room table would have sufficed) looking a little like Grey Gardens, to really drive the point home.
Anyway, Reece walks in on Reagan and her identical younger sister making French toast and mimosas without the champagne (whatever you call that), because she’s pregnant (although not announced yet, for those following). Reece is already annoying me and apparently annoying Reagan too, since she visibly cringes each time he touches her.
A little history lesson here: Reagan and Reece dated on and off in college, which is why the viewers are gifted with a photo of the couple from 2007 doing their best blue steel. This is to infer that Reagan got pregnant after 12 years of on and off dating, instead of like 12 days of dating, just to clarify. The reason they didn’t work out before is because he claims that he was “the biggest clown in college” (which I believe) and “always chasing tail” (which I don’t believe). Because of this, they never committed, and Reagan ended up marrying Vinny Van Gogh.
This is getting long, I know, but this is all relevant. This history lesson literally only lasted for like 30 seconds of television time, and not a three-part documentary like I’m making it out to be. Reagan reached out to Reece right after her separation from Jeff, because she evidently has never met another man in her life if this is her alternative. In Reece’s recounting of the story, he admits to his gambling addiction (I am still wondering when this guy will show his redeeming qualities), which is why he was at the track at 4 in the morning when he received her call to get together again. Nothing more romantic than rekindling a college romance over a 4 am “u up” text while gambling at the race track, but I digress. Reagan then mentions that “moment (she) heard his voice” was when she fell in love with him all over again, and I realized that this was where they connected – with equally annoying voices.
Over French Toast and virgin mimosas, there is some conversation about Reagan’s door knocker jewelry kiosk opening at the mall, and all I can focus on is Reece speaking as though he’s reading off a teleprompter – one where the words are hard to make out. Then, there’s something about her having a second line at her party, because “it’s never a party without a second line.” I have to wonder if she gets out into “the city” enough to regular parties and social gatherings, since most of the time parties don’t ever include second lines. Then, Reagan feeds Reece some French toast, and I may never eat French toast or food ever again, thanks to that gross image.
Back at Fuel Fitness, Barry is working on a line of branded fitness apparel, which can be placed “into your locker sweaty, and can put it back on without smelling” as he claims. I hate to be a dream crusher over here, but who on this planet is going to wear workout clothes again without washing it first? That’s totally gross – your clothes should be washed every single time despite it smelling. If people are thinking like this, maybe their clothes should smell as a reminder to wash it. Gosh, I hope I am not next to this person at the gym next time, but I shouldn’t have this problem since I don’t work out at Fuel Fitness, anyway. At the gym, there’s a whole conversation between Barry and Justin about meeting Reagan’s new boyfriend soon. Seeing as he already impregnated her, I find it suspicious that her close friends have yet to meet the guy.
Over at Trinity restaurant, which no longer exists, Reagan and Reece are having a date night. They share a cringe-worthy kiss, after which she backed off as if there was a tarantula on his shoulder. Apparently, it grossed her out as much as it did me. Things get more romantic when he refers to her as the fish he would mount above his fireplace, and it makes me wonder if my husband changed the channel to that show about the people who make moonshine when I wasn’t looking.
Reece orders a double Jack on the rocks because he needed one as much as I do at this point, and Reagan turns down a drink to further remind us she’s with child. There’s a lot of conversation about how they weren’t ready for a relationship at the time they first dated in college, and this raises a lot of questions about the likelihood this relationship will last now. Now, listen, I am no relationship expert since I don’t have any divorces under my belt yet, but I feel like if this guy couldn’t commit before, it seems a little extreme to jump into a marriage and instant family after years of zero communication with each other. This also made me think of any of the guys I was with in college (if only to put myself in her shoes for a second), and I laughed and laughed and laughed, thinking of hypothetically rekindling any relationship from the past.
Further implicating that this relationship was 12 years in the making and not 12 days, they reminisce about the time they went out before Reagan got married, where Reece and Reagan got so hammered that she still wanted to make out with him despite having to hold his hair back when he was throwing up. She then got engaged to Jeff the day after. Adorable. Reece then referred to her as a golden chicken, and, as much as I want to comment on this, I can’t because I don’t speak country and have no idea what this means.
After being put through the most awkward date in history, Bravo gifts us with the best 5 seconds of television ever – reality television gold that I couldn’t make up even if I tried. It can only be best represented with actual video.
Except, I couldn’t find a video of this clip, and wanted to spare you all from a bootleg recording of my television screen. Please, enjoy the dialogue below, as it was said verbatim.
Reagan: (Backing off from a
tarantula sloppy kiss) You have my lipstick on. Like, a lot of it.
Reece: (Smacking the lipstick between his lips) We have no secrets. I’ve told you about all about me, and my mom’s face masks…..and wearing my mom’s makeup since I was, like, five years old.
Reagan: (awkward laugh)
Reece: Wearing her clothes….
Reagan: (more awkward laugh) You don’t still do that, do you?
At this point, I want nothing more than to text someone – anyone – who is watching this in real time. Fortunately for everyone involved, except me, no one is watching.
Moving on, I always wonder what people are thinking when they share “secrets” like this in front of a camera for a reality television show, as if the camera is going to keep the secret and not share it with hundreds of thousands of people who watch – or, in Southern Charm New Orleans’ case, the tens of people who watch.
It’s finally the day of Reagan Charleston’s door knocker jewelry kiosk opening at the mall. Gang’s all there. JonYe (formerly known as the New Orleans Kanye) shows up dressed like night at the Roxbury, Jef-free – not yet ready to meet his replacement – shows up looking for the nearest bar, TBK shows up (fortunately not wearing a bathing suit), and Tamica and the rest of the gang show up ready to hate on Reagan’s new crossdressing boyfriend, Reece.
The gang’s first impressions of Reece – from Cool Ranch Doritos (which felt more like an unnecessary dis on Cool Ranch Doritos), frat boy, crawfish, and plain vanilla – really make me think that he’s going to make friends really quickly with the crew. Then, there’s the very forced meeting between Reece’s Pieces and Jef-free right next to the Sunglass Hut kiosk, where there’s another budding bromance in the making – only it’s completely one-sided on Reece’s end. Jeff, on the other hand, understandably wants nothing to do with Reece.
The gang awkwardly second lines up an escalator to
the Banana Republic 50% off sale Reagan’s kiosk, where they all party in the mall alongside some designer-knockoff doorknocker jewelry. Tamica further displays her hatred for TBK (who, again, had the nerve to show up wearing completely appropriate clothes to a party), and decides that Reece’s Pieces is “charming” after he compliments her. So, despite him having his dream job of “smoking weed and watching horses bang,” a gambling addiction, an inability to read teleprompters, and annoying voice, we realize his redeeming quality is his ability to give Tamica a compliment.
The show ends with Reagan turning down yet another cocktail, and Detective Tamica figuring out that Reagan is pregnant. Tamica 2.0, I like you.